


i saw you (and poems came back to me)

by 980517



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: (Eventual) Domestic Fluff, Aged-Up Character(s), Bickering, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Minor Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Na Jaemin, Self-Discovery, University Student Park Jisung, University Student Zhong Chenle, it wouldn't be a chenji fic without it lets be honest
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-14 03:21:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28538757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/980517/pseuds/980517
Summary: Even when the sun threatens to paint the sky in orange and gold shades despite the cold weather, the warm feeling growing inside his chest seems to be the only thing Jisung can focus on.
Relationships: Park Jisung/Zhong Chen Le
Comments: 9
Kudos: 22
Collections: NCTV Secret Santa 2020





	1. it felt like a very specific sort of miracle

**Author's Note:**

  * For [cloudfactories](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cloudfactories/gifts).



> dearest mimi:
> 
> merry (belated) christmas and happy new year! ☆ ～('▽^人)
> 
> i hope you enjoy what i've written so far. i truly loved every single one of your prompts but this one spoke to me in different levels. i kind of ran away with it and made it a bit angstier than expected, but i can assure you it gets sweeter later on :^)

_From time to time, when a piece of music no one has ever written, or something else impossible to predict, fathom, or yet describe takes place, a new feeling enters the world. And then, for the millionth time in the history of feeling, the heart surges and absorbs the impact._

**—Nicole Krauss, The History of Love**

The universe works in funny ways. Sometimes it'll lay out all of its cards for you to let you know that things will go your way, and some other times, it will bend, crawl, sprint—it'll do anything on its power—to go against the things you desire the most.

Jisung's life is filled with a—rather—small list of silly regrets.

He never learned how to ride a bike, his long limbs seemed to refuse to cooperate the many times Jeno tried to teach him how to do it. Jeno wasn't bad at teaching, it was Jisung who was bad at learning. He regrets it the most now that he is in his sophomore year in college and living in an apartment out of campus. If he had tried hard enough, he would have saved up a lot of money because instead of commuting every single day to uni, he would be able to dash through the streets of the city in a hand-me-down bike that Jeno and Jaemin would have probably given him as a gift.

Jisung wanted to be a writer when he was younger. His mom has stored all of the notebooks he would use as drafts of stories filled with pretty, and maybe an embarrassing amount of pretentious words and sentences. The teacher for the Creative Writing course he took back in middle school would always tell him that he loved how his ambition pushed him to be a better writer with every assignment he got, creating intricate and detailed scenarios that immersed people in the universe he wrote, _but_ that he lacked in describing feelings and emotions. His characters lacked depth. Jisung always tried to not take his words by heart, but he won't deny that they were right. His inability to write how his characters felt was on him and his own incapacity of expressing how _he_ felt about most things, and although he's gotten a lot better in that department throughout the years, he still doesn't dare to touch a pen or to open a Google Docs tab in fear of his progress not being enough to try again.

And that leads him straight into his final point. His fear of failure. Years of therapy have taught him that it is normal, especially within young adults, to feel that way but fifteen-year-old Jisung didn't know how to deal with the feeling back then, pushing himself away from things—and persons—he loved to not let his weaknesses and vulnerability show.

He regrets that the most because that's what drove him away from Chenle.

The hyungs were patient and helped him cope with it in healthier ways in almost a nurturing way _(blame Jaemin for that)_.

But Chenle—witty and bright-eyed, ready to take on the world without unease, was only a kid when Jisung was going through the worst part of it all. Chenle tried his best to reassure him that he was okay—in true and Chenle fashion, through many jokes and (playful) jabs—but Jisung couldn't deal with it. It got to the point where Jisung was so into his head that he was straight up mean to the person he was the most comfortable with.

Chenle always faced his problems head-on but Jisung didn't, and that's what drove them apart—Chenle tried to resolve the awkwardness between them but Jisung would shy away from his attempts. Despite his lack of cooperation, Chenle was there for him until the moment he had to leave town because of his dad's job. There wasn't a sad goodbye—neither were empty promises made. Chenle knew Jisung wasn't going to try and Jisung was aware that despite the facade he put up, Chenle was a bit fed up with his attitude.

Jisung was aware that bravery wasn't his biggest forte, but sitting on the slightly damp bench of the park on the first day of the year makes him wonder what could have been of his friendship with Chenle if he wasn't so afraid of fucking up every single time.

Now, Jisung doesn't believe in fate—chances must be made, a product of your hard work—but he thinks the universe might be onto something when he sees Chenle standing a few feet away from him.

Jisung should feel dread. A weight dropping onto his stomach—bringing him down, down, down, but instead, the first thing his mind registers when he sees Chenle for the first time after five years is that time has never been kinder to anyone.

Under the fairy lights hanging from the trees, Chenle’s smile seems to glow brighter than the sun itself, and despite the distance between them, he can see how the apples of his cheeks are as rosy as he remembers them to be. 

Even when the sun threatens to paint the sky in orange and gold shades despite the cold weather, the warm feeling growing inside his chest seems to be the only thing that he can focus on. 

“I thought you would be happy to see me,” Chenle says as soon as he plants himself next to Jisung. Jisung can't say he saw it coming, but that’s what Chenle is—a presence that enters your life like a cannonball, it’s loud and boisterous, you see it coming but can’t prevent it from wreaking havoc on its way. “But it seems like you have seen a ghost instead, Jisung-ah.”

Jisung’s lower lip juts out unconsciously and Chenle, sharp as ever, mirrors his expression mockingly. Jisung should feel insulted by his action, but it seems to work some kind of magic on him. Something as silly and inevitable as the passing of time will never be a problem for him and Chenle—the unresolved problems between them are the breach they have to be willing to jump to save what Jisung thinks is left of their friendship.

“I am glad to see you, hyung,” Chenle’s mouth curves into a devious smile at the honorific and Jisung hates that even after all of these years, Chenle feels as if the one year age difference between each other is a big deal _(it isn't)_. “Just surprised, that’s all.”

Chenle takes his response as an invitation to sit next to him and Jisung grimaces when he remembers the state of the bench when he first got here. Chenle doesn't look too fazed about it, scrunching his nose when his butt hits the damp surface of the seat.

“You look so mature now, I barely recognized you from the entrance of the park. You were so small when I left,” Chenle isn't even looking at him when he says that, but Jisung can hear his tone is laced with something akin to fondness. “You have grown well, Jisung-ah.”

“You sound like Mark hyung,” Jisung muses, and Chenle laughs at the comparison. He is aware the one who kept in touch with Chenle after all of these years is Mark, who regardless of his already packed schedule always made sure to call Chenle at least once a week to keep up with him. It would have been nice if Chenle didn't pick up on Mark's habit of talking to Jisung as if he was a kid still, and not a boy who is halfway through getting his university degree. 

“You look good as well, hyung,” Jisung confesses what he thought earlier, “Adulthood suits you.”

“You make it sound like I'm old now,” Chenle retorts, the edges of his lips curving up. 

“You sure sound like an old man, though,” Chenle hits his arm, and Jisung can't help but laugh at how silly the situation is. Who would have ever thought that he would get another chance to sit on the very same park he grew up in, chatting and bickering with none other than Zhong Chenle himself?

He is glad when he sees Chenle is laughing as well. He is happy to be where he is now.

“Are you staying, hyung?” he dares to ask. He didn't want to burst the bubble they have just created, but he needed to know if these moments were only going to be a pretty memory he would have to engrave to the forefront of his mind, or if this was the opportunity to make things right. 

“I never wanted to leave,” Chenle says once he's calmed down enough to talk. Jisung lets the words sink in. 

He always thought that Chenle would resent him for treating him the way he used to back in the day, he _should_ resent him. But that's not who he is, and Jisung is thankful that even if he was nothing but an insecure boy who let the worst parts of himself take over who he was, Chenle's words suggest that he is well past over petty teenage drama.

“I am back for good now. Should have never left in the first place,” Jisung hums, and Chenle bumps their shoulders together. “Did you miss me?” his tone is playful, and while Jisung knows Chenle is teasing him, he can't help but let his heart do the talking for once.

“I did. Very much so,” Chenle's eyes are soft when they land on Jisung's face—and there it is, the warm feeling in his chest threatening to consume him whole, from head to toe, making him feel borderline feverish. Jisung can't pinpoint the exact reason why he is feeling that way, but he can't say he hates it either. Whatever’s happening tastes like a fresh glass of water after being stranded in the desert for too long—it almost tastes like hope.


	2. don't be sad, it's not tomorrow yet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I'm not saying you don't love hyung, because I know you do. I am also aware that Jaemin is stubborn, but so are you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've grown too attached to this jisung, so do peep at the chapter count (and tags!) change

_I try to make a point of being seen._

**—Nicole Krauss, The History of Love**

The end of Donghyuck's cigarette glimmers in a way that, somehow, makes Jisung's heart ache. Barely there, inconstant—just like dying stars. What a funny metaphor that is, something that is slowly killing his friend shines in the way a dying object does high up in the sky.

Jisung clears his throat in an attempt to call for Donghyuck's attention. Miraculously, it works.

“Jisung-ah,” Donghyuck lets the bud of his cigarette fall to the dirt laying under his feet. “What is it? I can hear the gears inside your brain being overworked.”

Jisung inhales through his mouth. It's a cold night. He lets the air he collected inside his lungs through his nose.

“Do you really love Jaemin-hyung?” 

Donghyuck whips his head so fast Jisung worries he might have gotten whiplash. He wishes he could feel sorry about it, but he doesn't.

“I do,” Donghyuck's voice is laced with hoarseness, a product of his own bad habits. He sounds sincere, though.

“Then why do you keep doing this?” Jisung points towards the packet of unlit cigarettes laying on top of the console of Donghyuck's truck. “It's killing you,” Donghyuck's eyes are so incredibly round when he looks at Jisung, as if he was begging him to stop. Jisung won't. “And I know for a fact that it is slowly killing Jaemin-hyung as well,” Jisung doesn't mean to sound accusatory—he's said all of that as a matter of fact. 

Donghyuck's jaw hardens when he hears that last bit; Jisung should stop, but the words threatening to spill out of his mouth are stronger than his sense of self-reservation so he braves the possibility of maddening Donghyuck further.

“Jaemin-hyung is my business, he is my brother after all,” Jisung tries to remain calm but then he remembers the amount of papers scattered on top of Jaemin's desk filled with books, papers filled with pointers and advice on how to get someone to stop smoking—he remembers the items Jaemin has bought both in person and online that he doesn't dare to give to Donghyuck in order to not make him feel like he is trying to impose him something, and his frustration spirals out of control. He loves and cares about Donghyuck deeply—not more than Jaemin, though— but Jaemin… he's given him a message that has fallen on deaf ears and blind eyes, and it makes Jisung feel bad, because despite the many attempts from Jaemin's part to make things better, Donghyuck refuses to cooperate.

“Relationships are about compromising,” Jisung tries to gather his thoughts into a prettier sounding speech. Donghyuck might come off as someone with a thick skin, but he is quite the opposite—so Jisung opts to be delicate, instead of trying to give him some well-deserved tough love. “I'm not saying you don't love hyung, because I know you do. I am also aware that Jaemin is stubborn, but so are you,” Donghyuck lets his back rest against one of the doors of his truck—as far away from Jisung as possible, but his posture is relaxed, so Jisung guesses he is willing to continue listening.

“I often wonder about the day we all die,” Jisung confesses. “It may be seventy years into the future, maybe tomorrow even, but I try my best to live a good life because if I happen to die tomorrow, I don't want to feel any sort of regret when I'm gone,” Donghyuck's head cocks to one side and Jisung decides it would be better if they were closer—he closes the space between them and stands next to Donghyuck. “I don't want to look at you and feel like I'm seeing numbers ticking backwards on top of your head because you have left some nicotine-filled sticks to take control over your life, hyung. It might sound selfish, but I want you to watch me grow and become a decent adult in the future. I want you and Jaemin-hyung to get married someday. And you know, besides my parents and the hyungs in America, you are all I've got, so _please_ , I'm not asking you stop altogether, but I want you to consider quitting, hyung,” a long, controlled breath leaves both of their lungs, but in Jisung's case, he feels lighter—he feels good. He's said things he's been wanting to say for a while. He doesn't know what it meant for Hyuck, though.

“Jisung-ah,” Donghyuck nudges his shoulder and Jisung can see from the corner of his eyes that Donghyuck's own are shining with unshed tears. He didn't mean to make Donghyuck feel bad. “You are a good kid, and I hope you are aware of that,” Jisung chuckles good-naturedly and nudges his shoulder back. Why are the hyungs hellbent on telling him that?

“I can't promise you I'll quit right away,” Donghyuck says, voice soft despite the cold. “But I'll start looking into it,” his stare does a one-eighty from the previous heaviness of the atmosphere, turning almost mischievous and Jisung isn't going to lie and say he doesn't start fearing for his life. “Gotta witness the moment you decide to grow some balls and admit you are irrevocably in love with Zhong Chenle now that he is back in town.”

The warm feeling settling on top of his cheeks and in the middle of his chest—the one he's grown accustomed to have whenever Chenle is with him, or is mentioned in any conversation—settles nicely in his body. Were he a younger version of himself, and he would deny Donghyuck's statement right away. This Jisung, standing against his hyung's truck outside of his apartment, won't. He's yet to figure out if what Donghyuck said is the truth—he doesn't want to mistake his eternal infatuation with Chenle with something bigger than him. He doesn't want to rush because this time he plans to make things right—it might be at the cost of some time lost, but he wants to be sure.

This Jisung, instead, laughs and ushers Donghyuck to go inside his truck. It's late and he doesn't want Jaemin to worry about him further. Donghyuck blows him a kiss right before he starts making his way home and Jisung's feeling of warmth doesn't leave him even when he tucks himself to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i uploaded this straight from my phone because my laptop won't work :]
> 
> i don't have a set schedule but i surely hope to have chapter 3 up by saturday at latest, so do forgive me for being so slow
> 
> thank you for all of the love you have shown this bad boy so far <3

**Author's Note:**

> i'll post the remaining chapters during the remaining days of january, so stay tuned! do let me know what you think in the comments ଘ(੭ˊ꒳ˋ)੭✧
> 
> [twt](https://twitter.com/375PERCENT)   
>  [cc](https://curiouscat.me/jenozen)


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